I’m not very good at waking up. Just ask my poor mother who had to wake me up countless times when I was a kid and my sister who had to share a room with me. Up until I got married, I pretty much scared the crap out of anyone who tried to get me out of bed.
My mom would be like, “Lisa, it’s time to get up,” and she would touch my shoulder and then jump out of my way. Sometimes I screamed bloody murder, and sometimes threw the covers at whoever was closest to me, or kicked, or said something snarky and sarcastic, or just growled and glared a lot. I know it doesn’t sound that bad, but it was. Everybody was terrified of me in the morning.
I’m not like that anymore. Maybe it’s just that my husband pretty much leaves me alone when I’m sleeping. He’s a smart guy.
But as nice as he is, I still wake up in a less-than-human state once in a while.
I know what you’re thinking. Lisa must have gotten very little sleep and woke up feeling terrible, just terrible. She must have been in quite the savage mood. Thus, the title of this post.
When I say I woke up and thought I was a bear, that’s exactly what happened. I thought I was a bear. A grizzly bear, to be more specific.
Actually, it was mostly my arms. My husband tried to wake me up on a Saturday (bad idea), and I squinted my eyes at him. He looked like a human, but my hands and arms felt heavy and furry. My fingers had transformed into long, black claws in the dark.
This unnerved me slightly. I might have swatted my paws in the air near my husband’s face, and I may have growled and said something to the effect of, “I’m a bear! I’m a bear! Look at my paawwwwwws!” while he laughed at me.
It was weird, and yet, not terrible. I don’t think I’d mind being a bear. Being furry was nice.
In the end, it turns out that I wasn’t actually a bear, in case you were wondering, but sometimes I can feel that sensation creeping back into my arms and hands – fuzzy and brown and sharp at the ends. I’m sure it will overtake me completely someday, but that’s another story entirely.
But you know what I would do if I had actually turned into a bear?
I would have eaten a bunch of berries, and then I would have GONE BACK TO SLEEP. It’s called hibernating, and everybody knows to just leave the bears alone while they’re doing it. That’s right. Just leave the bears alone, everybody.
What if you woke up as a bear? Would you be delighted? Would you join the circus, or kill a bunch of people maybe? I think you should think about it. It could happen, you know. It happened to me.