The gruesome death of fruit.



I have to say, I try really hard to act like a normal person. I would say about fifty percent of my energy is spent on not saying the things that are running through my head at any given moment. For example, I was on the phone with someone today, and while he was asking what the price was for three nights in a guesthouse in Germany, I was thinking, “You know what would be really interesting? If I were an apple.” And then I gave him the correct answer to his question. Multi-tasking at its finest, folks.

I like the idea of being an apple. I like how much an apple weighs, and I think it would be fun to hang off of a tree branch as an apple. Just hanging there, in the air.

Also, I think that apples probably experience one of the least painful deaths of any fruit, which would be important to me if I were a fruit. I mean, yes, people take big bites out of you, but I think that’s significantly less awful than the torture that most other fruit endures.

Let’s explore this, shall we?

So, bananas. If you were a banana, you would be most likely to get peeled and eaten. Painful, but quick, and really, if you have obvious seams running all the way down your skin, you should kind of  expect to get peeled. Of course, you run the risk of getting mashed up for a baby, drowned in someone’s cereal, or torched into a banana flambé,  which would be significantly worse.


Oranges. Oranges are not a great choice. People peel you, but they’re pretty messy about it, so it could take a while. Plus, orange sections have all that white crap on the outside, which any normal person will pick at mercilessly before chewing you up and being annoyed that you’re so pulpy. That’s how people eat oranges, right? Still, that would be better than getting juiced, I think, which would be pretty awful.

And now grapes. If you have to be a fruit, you should not be a grape at all. Some people might just pop you in their mouths, which is quick, but what if you’re a wine grape that gets smashed under someone’s smelly feet, or one of those sad little guys that gets shriveled into a raisin? Ouch. What would be fun, though, is to be a grape that gets put in an elementary kid’s lunch, because then you might get flung at someone before all the children step on you.


Finally, any fruit that is classic smoothie material is going to have a bad time. So, mangoes, blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, pineapples, peaches, etc., etc., would all be poor choices if you have to choose. Also, maybe be a little more serious next time you eat a smoothie, and not so smiley,  you know, in honor of the all fruit that got pulverized for your  enjoyment. Just a thought.

Like I said, I think the apple is your best choice. (Unless you want to roll the dice with the pomegranate. I mean, they’re such an incredible pain that most people don’t bother, but if they do, well, they’re going to pick at you for like, three hours before they finally give up and nobody is satisfied.) But apples aren’t bad. Big bites are quick, and even if you get baked into a pie, then hey, at least you’d be in there with all your other apple friends, and I bet you wouldn’t even notice when it got a little toasty in there.

So there you go. If anyone ever asks you what kind of fruit you would like to be, you’ll have all the facts. And don’t be fooled by those “What Fruit Are You” personality tests — those are probably hilarious magic tricks for turning people into fruit, and they might not even tell you about your personality afterwards. Be careful out there. You’re welcome.


8 thoughts on “The gruesome death of fruit.

    • This post is exactly why I’m not like this at work. My imagination is like the Hulk. If I give it an inch, it will be completely out of control almost immediately. I’d never get anything done!

  1. I prefer the Guava. At least before I’m eaten I’d be basking on some tropical island. Besides, people often confuse Guava with Bat Guano. That means I’d have higher odds of living a long life. Interesting thoughts. You are about as insane as I am.

    • Good point! If you have to be a fruit you should definitely consider your life experience along with your death. In that case, durian might be a good choice too. It’s so nasty you’d almost certainly live a long, stinky life.

  2. Pingback: Here comes blimpie. | Who Stole My Baby?

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